once more, with feeling!
Silly rhyming aside, I thought of something that might be worth asking. It's simple, but I wonder if it's something often overlooked by many either because they find no reason in this line of thinking or life is simply too busy for it. Either way, my question, is do you question your own habits and curiosities? If you feel drawn to someone or something, whether it be a person, place, object, concept, etc do you ask yourself what about it draws you in? And why? It's easy to say, "I like this or that", and perhaps just as easy to point out the individual features or characteristics that you enjoy, but perhaps not as simple to explain the method and reasoning behind it.
As an example, there's one thing i've been thinking about lately in particular. I've always had a fascination with masks, and i've always, at least to my memory, felt more inclined to wear clothing that concealed me as opposed to a wardrobe that was more revealing. Any time i'd wear something as simply as ordinary shorts, sandals, even shirts with too short of sleeves, i'd feel uncomfortable about my skin showing. The also carries over to my face, hence the fascination with masks, and especially my eyes in particular. It's not that I dislike any particular traits about myself, but when i'm exposed I feel..."unsafe". I feel like people can see too much. And after some consideration, I thought of perhaps two paths of reasoning that may explain it.
Firstly, and foremost, I understand that it's, to a certain degree, natural to feel slightly unsafe or on edge when one's body is exposed. To be nude is to be vulnerable, whether it be to weather conditions or other living organisms. However, the level of discomfort I feel about it (I suspect) might be slightly higher than the average person. And I think this may be because, subconsciously, i'm a very fearful or fear-driven person. And for more than just this. In my past, and to a lesser extent still today, i've always had an issue with anxiety. New places, people, experiences make me nervous, sometimes to a point where I would specifically avoid or put them off when possible. This wasn't always the case, but if I felt like my anxiety building up too much, i'd feel the need to escape the situation and hideaway somewhere. So, as I said, this behavior may be linked to an underlying, fearful subconscious personality.
And my second possible explanation, is that I might feel like having a layer of coverage between myself and the external world better allows myself to disconnect or withdraw from it. To make a little more sense of this i'll say, that while I try to see the best of the world and those within it, there are many times where I feel like I would like to remove myself from it. Feelings like, "I don't belong here", "I'm not meant to be here", "This isn't a world i'm meant to exist in". And I make the best of it, I serve what purpose I feel I should and enjoy the company of the few people that I connect with, but overall I just don't feel right about being a part of this world as i've come to know it. And perhaps a mask, a cloak, a hood, or other simple garments that allow me to obfuscate my appearance allow me a sensation of brief reprieve from the external world that I don't feel natural in.
Anyway, I know that this particular trait might be a bit on the extreme side of things, perhaps it may not be a sufficient example for what i'm trying to convey, but hopefully it might help you understand what I mean. To recall my questions, how often to you question your own reasoning behind your actions or interests? Are there any in particular that you've been thinking on lately? The floor is open, for those who may wish to use it.
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Often really. Over the last few months I've been looking a lot more in depth at why I do things and what makes me, me. This is especially true about people. People confuse me, but they are by far the most fascinating thing to study at this time for myself. The people I "study" are not usually average in a sense. Usually they have a side that I admire or do not fully understand. One person is brave and complex, one is incredibly passionate concerning their beliefs and refuse to confront their own biased viewpoint, and the last one is one of the few I would legitimately deem intelligent. My fascination with them have basically resulted in myself asking a series of questions over the past year concerning the philosophical to ridiculous, and I enjoy it. I think what I'm ultimately trying to do is learn something or the other, even if I don't entirely agree with the outlook in general.