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Editado por Tartan 118: 7/11/2014 11:35:25 AM
36

The Floodyssey II: B.next's Destiny (finished nao)

The world is changed. I read it in the updates. I see it in the posts. I feel it in the Likes. Much that once was is lost, for few remain who remember it. It began with the foundation of the Forums. Three for the heart of Bungie: the Septagon for its community, ancient and proud; The Universe, for all of Bungie’s most beloved creations; The News Forum, a grand repository of all tidings from the lords themselves. Next came a new breed, quieter but more focused: The Voting Booth for the community’s voice; The Gallery for its hands and minds to craft its own interpretations of the lords’ creations; The Classified for the rampant recruitment of eager volunteers for budding bands of brothers, though many cries fell unanswered into the dark abyss of eternity. The game forums blossomed with every new era; each shone as a beacon in the mediocrity and despair of the Internet, gathering all towards their alien worlds, beautiful, yet menacing. Then there was the Flood, whose denizens above all else crave anarchy. Equilibrium was brief; The Flood boiled and writhed in its freedom. The fires of war erupted as its peoples spewed hatred at each other. Towers as high as mountains tumbled into themselves as walls of text collapsed into nonsensical pits, snapping and churning any who dared challenge or enter their illogical arguments. It is in this bedlam, dear reader, that we find ourselves. “TAKE COVER!” Dr TimothyLeary looked up. “Another attack by COWPIE?” “What?” Bungie Sam cried back. “No, Challenger X being a dick about lonepaul again.” “Oh, ok.” DTL nodded. “We’ll need a counter: Capiton!” The disgruntled Myth zomble turned to him. “Yuh-huh?” “Prepare your wang.” And then every cheered. “Potassium cannons are ready!” Camm kalled from her korner. “Canon cannons ready,” Lord of Admirals and Chronarch added. “Awesome,” DTL responded. “Tartan, is the parody canon cannon ready?” “What? Do you even know about the parodies?” “[i]Whaaaaaaaa?[/i]” Camm chimed Britishly. “ERMAGERD CERGHMMTERCULERGH" Tartan gushed, the red bits nearly popping out of the holes in the 8. “I have a banana here with your name on it. And I don’t mean the fruit this time.” “One banana?” ChaosFighter laughed heartily, his white-on-black, bird-on-shield emblem proud on his chest. “I have MORE THAN ONE. MOAR.” Tartan grinned at him. “But less than three?” “Oh, of course,” Chaos gleed. “I mean fewer. Damnit. Doesn’t work with proper English. Do I need a semicolon there? Guhh.” “MENTLEGEN!” DTL thundered. “Damnit, you got me so mad that I said-” DJ Mentle span on his chair, staring at everyone with his horrified Reach marine face. “ohai…. and too far. Okay, back to work.” “Damn straight!” DTL yelled. “This is [i]important[/i]!” edableshoe span on his chair too. Somehow. Maybe he used shoelaces. “Spinny office chairs for everyone… nausea for everyone…” “beatingadeadhorse.gif” SonOfTheShire opined, kicking his hairy hobbit feet playfully. DTL facepalmed. “Did either of you have a point? We’re in the middle of a battle here. A really important battle for the sake of the-” “Well, there’s what sunk Kitchen 8 and Schwippy Tree,” Ch33zyburrito fretted, ch33zing about and pointing at the radar screen. “THEY’RE SINKING THREADS WITH A GIANT . .╚⊙ ⊙╝.. ╚═(███)═╝ .╚═(███)═╝ ..╚═(███)═╝ ...╚═(███)═╝ ...╚═(███)═╝ ..╚═(███)═╝ .╚═(███)═╝ ╚═(███)═╝ ╚═(███)═╝ .╚═(███)═╝ ..╚═(███)═╝ ...╚═(███)═╝ ...╚═(███)═╝ ..╚═(███)═╝ .╚═(███)═╝ “Okay, that’ll do for now!” DTL snapped, his double chevron aquiver. “In between that, Rose, the army of Camnator alts led by Comms Officer not because they’re the same person but because ‘Officer’, Fox News spreading propaganda because ‘news’, and angry0lbgrampa, PSU and BADMAGIK just generally being terrible human beings, what else we got?” “If by ‘we’ you mean the British master race,” lonepaul piped up, the Hunter watching everyone wryly as he approached a Cabal monstrosity, “then plenty.” He snapped his fingers. “ARGH! No, say I clicked my fingers!” “Bongistanians!” bellowed IIx luke xIII, surprising everyone by looking like Kat but having a male voice. “Assemble!” Somewhere, Big Ben- well, not somewhere: London. Big Ben struck seven o’clock. There was a rush of wind smelling of salted chips drowned in vinegar, accompanied by fried cod, as well as tea, teeth, and stereotypes. DTL blinked. Camm moistened. “BEHOLD!” cried the gleaming humanoid titan of Union Flag and TARDIS that now stood before the The Flood. “CORN- I mean PSYCHOLEMON GATSBACON.” Zizou looked on, his glorious mane sagging with the disappointment that he lived in the Republic. Or does he? I think he does. Let me check my PMs. Aaaaaaaand all we’ve talked about is Game of Thrones. Oh well. At least you’re in, Ziz. ;) A Cheese Potato also looked on. He lives in Australia. No debate there. The cheese sagged and the potato sagged. Then perked up happily with this cameo. edableshoe span back to face DTL. “Oh yes, I remember what- Sir, call from the president for you.” DTL inhaled deeply, his eyes on the Transformalike’s iron hide, clad in Lemon’s impenetrable sarcasm. Maybe there was hope. He turned to the screen. “Ooh, I love the little tickly sound Skype makes… Sir. Wait, you’re not Tartan.” “I’m glad you noticed,” Plasma Eagle replied. “What’s the situation?” “With the awesomeness of the Brits and all of us working together, we might just stand a chance,” DTL explained. “Yay!” Tartan cried suddenly, leaping from his chair. “Brits AWAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!118” “Wait,” Gatsby murmured. “Tarty, if you keep using your own number instead of Bungie’s to unite us all, this isn’t going to-” There was a crash. In a hail of crumpets, Jammie Dodgers and bow-ties, the Brittron 7000 collapsed to the ground and the screen shook like in a cartoon. Go on, shake your computer screen. Yes you, INSERT FLOODIAN NAMEDROP HERE. “Me?” “Shut up, Beetle.” “By Marty’s melodies,” Eagle sighed, rubbing his forehead, or at least attempting to. Because he’s a bird made out of plasma. “What in Seven, uh, Sevens are we going to do?” “Sir, new contact,” burrito began, making everyone spin towards him, and therefore feel sick once more, including DTL even though he was stood up and not on a chair, the silly ragamuffin. “Okay, can I-.... unknown classification.” DTL glared at the radar over shoe’s shoulder. An ankle, if you will. Or not. Let’s go with not because it was burrito who’s in front of him. “KakaCarrotCake, obligatory Dragonball meme reference?! I mean, what does the scouter say about his power level?!” “Btw it’s Vegeta who says that, but I don’t think- uh, IT’S OVER NINE- Oh, wait, my bad, it’s…. [i]7777[/i]!” The very air itself shuddered and thundered. There were cracks in the very seams of space and time, and reality itself seemed to distort. “whut” Hipi said Dinklagely. The roof ripped off. The Flood stared upward in awe as a septitude of ...oh, okay. Google Docs reckons septitude is indeed a word. Uh, where was I? Oh yeah, [i]a septitude of lightning bolts cracked the sky and should I stop the italics? Too much?[/i] Okay. And stop interrupting myself, probably. Lightning bolts cracked the sky as a figure descended from the heavens, clad in bronzed or purple or his favourite coloured armour, and sporting a pair of sunglasses and a smug grin. “ALLFATHER ACHRONOS,” Elegiac wailed in fear, fearfully fearing that this was indeed his final stint of shitposting, despite being a well-loved member on Our Side, or is that just me? “Has the day finally come?” Forky croaked, gazing at the sky until his neck ached. Or his fork tines could go no higher. And consequently ached. “Ow.” “What, July 7th?” Achronos asked. “Yeah.” “Awesome,” True Underdog grinned from the HFCS bunker, deep under the bowels of The Flood HQ. That’s right, [i]under[/i] the bowels. This shit goes deep. “What do we get this year?” “Something that didn’t actually happen on Bungie Day,” Achronos explained with a chuckle. The laughter deepened with a metallic echo, and the Overlord’s chest armour unfolded, revealing a chamber in his chest. Reaching into his torso, he heaved out a titanic, oval-shaped object, a fin on one end, holding it aloft. “Well, I meant the day that Achronos nuked the Flood, actually,” Forky said. “So yeah. Also, Achronos as a nuke-producing cyborg? That's either hilarious or awesome. Hell, why not both?" “I don’t care,” Smiggles laughed, shaking her head. “I’m totally drawing that shit.” The bomb tumbled to the earth. The world watched and waited. Then, Achronos whipped out his shotgun and detonated the thing prematurely, much like a Floodian inside a woman. Also, because Achronos is a shotgun whore. Seriously. Bungie Podcast. Listen.

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  • Editado por Tartan 118: 7/11/2014 11:37:16 AM
    (Part 2, duh, that's why it's the chosen answer) Blinding white was the original background of B.next, and still is, without the Dark theme. Probably. I dunno. I like having functioning eyes, so I haven’t checked. “Or in Sangheili,” Vien suggested. “inb4gimmick shitposter who says everything backwards” “Wait, what?” DTL stared at the mess before him. “That’s…. really weird. Why are we all saying stuff backwards?” “adapt@adapt.adapt” A Pure Gangster snarked. “People should get used to it,” Tartan pointed out. “I always do. So should they. Makes sense.” “Yeah,” Qwerty replied from somewhere, glowing like a 7. “Just wondering how many people will stick around with this whiteness.” “What…. is anyone there?” DTL asked, his arms held aloft to shield his vision. “How long are you gonna do this for?” Camm sighed. “This should do,” Tartan nodded. “With Vien talking about Sangheili at the top, just to throw everyone. And copypaste, copypaste, copypaste…. there we go.” “So now what?” Tyler Durden frowned like Brad Pitt. No, not the Christian guy. “ALL THREADS WILL BE CLASSIFIED BY TAGS” a voice boomed from somewhere, neither Achronos nor indeeJ DeeJ nor Urk. Maybe it was an amalgamation of all three. Like a Fireteam. Yeeeees. The forum looked skyward, or what constituted skyward in a blank white box, or maybe they were on Hoth. A flurry of strips rained from above, spinning and twirling on their descent, landing like rain at the feet of the members. Foman bent down to look at the one before him. “#SexyLonghorn,” he read aloud. “Mine!” Seriously, anyone else remember him starting that tag on The First Day? Or at least claiming it? “Hashtags?” Gaara asked of the sky. “Seriously? This isn’t -blam!-ing Twitter.” “What if I want to play in the street with some weed?” Camnator queried. “#Hashtag?” “#cumguzzlingsemendemon!” Mendicant Bias trilled, waving a video aloft. “I mean, guys, I found some leaked Halo 5 alpha footage from the Campaign!” “Time to go seemingly-autistically literal,” Tartan chortled, flicking the switch on his gravity boots and zhwoiping to the ceiling. “AAGH! Now everyone’s upside down because of the order of posts although that can be changed and I kinda forgot to do that because I’m used to this now! Look, it’s FloppyClit in my hilariously inaccurate opinion thread! Try you? “Well, I would, but your Batman thing has gone a bit far these days. I mean, fair enough, he's one of the best superheroes of all time, if not the single best (I honestly couldn't say, I love Iron Man, and my opinion on various Marvel fare is better than it was about a decade ago). But flapping your arms and squeaking everywhere? That's not even Batman. That's just a bat. Kindly get off the ceiling, that paint is fresh, y'know. You'll get white on your feet. Won't help the stealth very much. “It’s funny because I’m the one on the ceiling,” he grinned like a retard, “and this is fresh paint, seeing as Stosh and/or Gossett and/or someone else just chucked a load of white paint all over this place.” “I’m confused,” Tyger began. “Are we actually on Hoth or just in a very large white room?” “Hold firm, dear Guardians,” DeeJ’s voice echoed from on high. “For though the darkness is long and cold, like the infinite depths of space through which the Darkness pursued the Traveller, dawn is coming. Sunlight is painting the horizon, fingers of light stretching towards us as we in the studio forge ever further ahead on this monumental project. But worry not, my beautiful friends. For soon, a select few of you will wield the Light of the Traveller in your very hands. E3 is close, and with it, a fresh new look at Destiny’s epic adventures and trials, pitting you against both mankind’s foes beyond the walls of our last City, and against fellow Guardians in competitive-” “PvP?!” USplendid gleed. “Don’t call it PvP,” DeeJ muttered loudly, if that makes sense. “Within a matter of days, a number of you will be plucked from your humble abodes and placed in the faded grandeur of Old Russia, ready to battle with our enemies in a Strike, a story mission, and your own tales of adventure and action in Destiny’s living, breathing world. The Alpha is coming, my friends. Oh wait, I already used that word. Uhh, comrades.” “Is that like an early Beta?!” Hero SilkScroll cried delightfully. “Is it an Xbox exclusive? Please can we have some exclusive stuff? We’ve been getting shafted for months!” “The Destiny Early Access Alpha will be available on PS4 from Thursday, June 12th,” DeeJ said hurriedly. “Get your code from greatnessawaits.com/destiny” “More like gaynessawaits.com,” Logfish muttered darkly. Everyone roared with laughter and then stopped abruptly, staring him down. “PS4, you say?” Wolva Wonka grinned, his eyes alight as he touched his fingertips together like Mr. Burns. “PS4, you say?” The Mandalore winked knowingly. “All together now!” Tartan cheered. “[i]PS4, you say?![/i]” He raised his arms, about to orchestrate The Flood. “PS4. K.” Camm replied flatly. “Come with me now,” DeeJ offered the PlayStation Nation, sounding like Neil DeTyson Grasse… or Neil Tyson DeGrasse. Black Science Man. He sounded like Black Science Man. “Become legend.” “I still haven’t got a code. Anyone got a spare?”

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    • Well done man, that was fantastic :D

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    • Waiiit a minute...Lord of Admirals is a floodian?

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      • Editado por Tartan 118: 8/21/2014 11:23:10 AM
        (Part 5) “Alright, fine, whatever,” Bacon said, not sarcastically, just genuinely disinterested. “Game doesn’t look special to me, I’m off to play some Halo.” “>2014, >still playing Halo,” Assassin 11D7 remarked. “Oh, sorry for enjoying something that you don’t like,” Bacon shot back. “Tartan, write this jerk out of my face.” “Uhh, we’re not doing a scene right now,” Tartan pointed out. “I’ve got nothing to do with this.” He turned back to his laptop. “Okay, now where’s this stream? ...Postponed until the 16th? What the actual -blam!-? Christ in a handbag! Alright, everyone, we’re back in 8… Assassin, stop being such a cockweasal and get back into obscurity after your solitary cameo.” Bacon beamed smugly. “Dropship, you got your ships ready with the building materials for the next scene?” The Drone emblem was brandishing a pair of table-tennis paddles in its hands, ready to wave in a number of Pelicans and/or Phantoms and/or Spirits. “Yes indeedy.” “Silentone, Progo, Skuldier, Infiltrator, DE4THINC4RN4TE, Pancake, Gasai, Raptor, Boomdeyahdah, MrBurns, Derpy the Whale, Kinder, Sprungli, Thomas, we ready to shoot?” Sprungli turned around from his Xbox One, playing Peggle 2 because gods know that’s the only exclusive worth playing it currently has. “...Are we the crew?” “Yes,” Tartan explained, exasperated. “Didn’t you get my PM?” “...No.” “Because I didn’t actually send one.” Tartan span around, leaving Sprungli bewildered. “Brute, we ready to shoot?” The disgruntled gorilla frowned from behind the lens. “Wait, why am I filming??” “You record things and put them on Youtube, so…” “Yeah, GAME REVIEWS, not… whatever this is. Besides, I’m on my honeymoon right now, why did you have to-” “Oh, that’s right,” Tartan realised. “Go be with yer lady. Lucky chap.” He clicked his fingers and Brute disappeared in a puff of smoke, smelling like a glorious Texan BBQ. “Wait, Tartan can make people disappear like that?” someone who I don’t like asked worriedly. Let’s say it was…. “Are you actually searching for someone you don’t like to put in here?” Camm asked. “SALTS.” “Snap,” Tartan replied. “Oh hey, PSU!” “I’m just gonna stop talking now.” And Bnext did rejoice muchly. “Okay, who else has a Youtube channel on Bnext?” Tartan whipped out his laptop and clumsily held it while scrolling through his Youtube subscription. “Dropship… is busy dropping ships…” Dropship glanced at him anxiously as he waved Foehammer closer to the building site, wary of the two Banshees tailing her. “...Psychologist?” “ohai” “ohai2u2 wanna-” “Leave Bono out of this.” “Very good, yes. Now, wanna film the construction of the tower?” Psychologist grinned wildly. “[i]Do I?[/i] [u]Do I?[/u] [b]Do I?[/b] [i][u][b]Do I?[/i][/u][/b]” Tartan blinked, oblivious. “Do you?” “Of cour- YES. GIMME.” “A handjob or…?” “Oh. You’re referencing that conversation.” “Yeah, sorry.” Tartan clapped his hands suddenly to change the subject, but instead everyone just looked at him like he was a weirdo. “Right then, who haven’t I mentioned yet who wants a brief, bland, and kinda patronising cameo?” “Me!” cried Grampaops, Byrne, PLAY BALL, RookyWill, Pink Guy, Sigma, Mereel, M1Silencer, Demonic, Officer ‘JAQUITO HALO’ Nasty, Beta Neckbeard, Laser, Spartan 120, LTazer, Scorch, Zonda, LecomingBegend and a thousand others who won’t get a mention and therefore will feel kinda deflated at this point. Sorry. I only have so much memory. “Meow,” Squiggy added. “Well, then, there you all go. Dropship, get ready, this thing has probably dragged on longer than most people expected (still longer than the Destiny beta) and now they’re just expecting it to end, or to have already ended. Probably should’ve planned it more, but in my defence, I only thought of it like a week beforehand.” “Aye-aye, cap’n.” Dropship gave all the dropships in the area the signal, including shiny new ones for the Fallen and Hive, and I expect some Cabal and Vex ones too, and onyx pyramids of doom. Then they all swept upwards and lobbed stuff into a pile. By the power of the imagination and the Internet, it all formed into an amazing looking tower, like a cross between Barad-Dur and some jaggedy, black, electrified architecture as seen in Tron or ACIII’s Precursor site or the trailer for that canned game Matter a few E3s ago. Also, The Tower in Destiny. Yes. That probably should have been my first choice. “BEHOLD!2. i MEAN ...Lemme try that again: BEHOLD!” Dropship thundered, gesturing like a maniac and making Camm cringe. “OFF-T-” “All-Topic,” DTL interrupted. “[i]ALL-TOPIC TOWER![/i]” Everyone hurt their necks a lot because exercise by looking to the peak of the gargantuan construct. Zizou approached the base. “So… is there an entrance. Or, dare I ask, any [i]lifts[/i]?” “I’m not walking that shit,” Beta Neckbeard said. “[b]AND YOU DON’T HAVE TO!!!!!!!!![/b]” Dropship muttered, deepthroating his mic. “Oh, you’re right, I forgot…” Beta whipped out his fedora. “I can ascend by the power of euphoria alone.” He lightly place the hat on his head, and then the tipping intensified, to such a degree that the hat on his head acted like the thumbstick on a controller, moving him forward and up through the air, flying towards the tower. Everyone watched, dumbstruck. “Wait, I almost forgot…” Beta span around and swooped at the crowd, offering a hand to Camm, Smi, and the other vagina-owners. I forget who they are, and I shan’t name them here just to say ‘Look, I know who the women are.’ Because I’m a supreme gentleman like that. “M’lady.” “No.” “Hokay,” Beta surrendered, nearly choking on his own cringe and returning on his flight to the top of the Tower. “Okay,” Ziz continued after that lengthy tangent. “And what about those of us who can’t fly?” “For everyone else,” Tartan announced, “there’s Mastercard. I mean Dropship.” “[i][u][b]HE MEANS FLYING MOTHER-blam!-ING DUESENBERGS #420BLAZEIT360KWIKSCOPEMOTHER-blam!-ERS[/b][/u][/i]” Dropship ejaculated. “Yes,” Tartan added. “That. Those.” By the power of combined Britf(oman?) finger-clicking on the Internet, a flotilla or fleet or both or one of sweet, ‘20s-style curvaceous cars appeared out of thin air. Then promptly dropped to the ground with a clang. “And how do we get up to the top of the tower with these?” asked Porsche 914, whose name popped up most when I searched #cars. “Did the suction, wall-ridey tires actually work on the SUV in Crackdown?” considered Cobravert, also a carnut, or car-nut if carnut means something else. It doesn’t. Phew. “Okay.” Dropship turned to Tartan excitedly. “For this announcement, we’re gonna have to have a bass drop.” Tartan (space) magicked up a 4-stringed guitar in one hand and a fish in the other. “Which one?” “[i][b][u]WHYNOTBOTH.JPEG BWAAAAARRRRHHHDFSSHHHHHZZZHHHHHWORBWORBCHICKACHICKASLIMSHADYEEEEEEERGHHK;K;SM;VM;FMVKDMSLVLDNLNVJNFDNVNSFNVKLDL[/u][/b][/i]” “And the announcement…” “[b][i][u]THE DEUSENBERGS CAN BWAAAAARB CAN FLY OH MY GOOOOOOOD CALL 911JSKNVLSNGVKJNJVKLNDKVJCNKLCNKLDMLMKWKKFLNJLKCMVKLDFVMKJDCASKLNDKJVCNASKCLS.ANSCKNLSNLDKSLNCMLSDNVJMVSLDNCLMSDLCML[/u][/i][/b]”

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      • Editado por Tartan 118: 7/11/2014 12:09:53 PM
        (Part 6) “He has actually gone incoherent,” Massimo murmured, usurping Decimator Omega and Blonic for this cameo. They both cheered at being mentioned anyway. “Alright, well,” Tartan began, watching awkwardly as Dropship continued flopping and buzzing about on the ground. “Um. Hop in, everyone, and I’ll see you topside. Now,” he murmured as everyone got into their cars, some buddying up for a ride together. “Where are y-” He spotted her getting into a car with Recon, and his heart shattered. Into 8 pieces. With a thunderous roar almost as loud as Dropship was being, the majestic fleet started its engines and rose from the dusty desert land, whipping up a sandstorm that didn’t actually abuse Dropship, but just made him realise what the dick he was doing and then get into his own Duesenberg to join them. Dozens, hundreds, maybe even thousands, I don’t know, I’m shit at maths, [i]uncountable [/i]cars rose to the azure sky and sped skyward, screaming to the summit of All-Topic Tower on the ride of their lives. The people, not the cars. Cars can’t scream. Only metaphorically, or in your nightmares. The top of the tower was a flat roof, large enough for everyone to park on and still Forge a decent map with. I’m looking at you, shitty H4 Forge maps that shipped with the game. This meant that it overreached the already colossal girth (hue) of the tower itself, meaning overwatch was actually quite tricky without seriously risking your life, so there were cameras underneath the overhang and the screens were You know what? Let’s just make everyone park underneath. In a TARDIS. That way, everyone can fit in, and it’s not so massive it covers the world below. We are on Gallifrey, after all. Tartan ascended the final steps to the roof of the Tower, the wind blowing in dat hair. He smiled at the sight of The Traveller, hanging majestically above Arcadia, now apparently capable of travelling between scifi franchises. The architecture also pleased him, with dat lighting casting a beautiful scene before the netizens of bungie.net. Tartan continued admiring the scene as other joined him. “Wait, a minute…. How many sides does this Tower have?” “The Tower has seven,” Dropship replied. “But this platform is… well, not quite an octagon: it has nine.” This time, it was Tartan’s turn to make me, Tartan, use heavy formatting. “[i][b][u]NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!118[/i][/u][/b]” Dropship gazed out of the view. “Warblegarble,” he muttered to himself, then disappeared in a puff of dropships, which actually killed quite a few people by just appearing like that. “Well, that was glorious,” Gatsby summarised. “Meh,” Tartan frowned. “I think The Floodyssey was better. Although Camm wasn’t in that, so maybe not.” “Regardless, time for a celebratory wank.” “Because I mentioned Camm? Hyup.”

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      • (Part 4) The good citizens of Bnext shook their heads with disgust at the pair, and their numerous fellow trolls. Solonoid raised a finger, or rather a wing. “So you couldn’t see them until you unmuted them? Isn’t that really dangerous?” “Not at all,” Hylebos said. “As DeeJ would probably say: reality is perception. When I mute them, they’re just not there for me. They don’t affect me in any way.” “The power to shape your experience is in your hands,” DeeJ added, his voice booming from Arcadia. “Don’t like what someone says? Hit the mute button, and they will be silenced forever, totally invisible to you until you decide otherwise.” “wat if i dont decide other wise” “WHAT IS DECIDE?” “Then they will remain muted until the end of time,” DeeJ replied, ignoring screamy watsisface because I muted him a few days ago. “Right,” BaconShelf concluded. “So I can just…” The Reach marine raised her hands to the monstrosities and wiggled her fingers. He blinked. “Woah. And they’re just… not there in my reality?” “Exactly,” Hylebos replied. “And what about everyone else’s?” “Still very much there, unless they mute them.” “So how does that work, then?” “Space magic,” DeeJ summarised. “Or rather, when we banished people in the past-” “You can just say ‘banned’, you know.” “Exiled them from this glorious realm, their shadows remained; it was as though other members were arguing with ghosts. Not Ghosts. Nor indeed Ghosts.” “Hah!” Tartan lol’d. “Because the Halo vehicle and the Destiny-” “Yuh-huh.” Faliz rolled his eyes behind Noble 6’s visor. “Right,” Bacon said again. “So everyone else still interacts with them but they just aren’t here for us?” “Precisely,” Hylebos said. “Now, if you will excuse me, I have some… Mentorship stuff to be doing. Not playing the beta early. No.” The Spiker disappeared in a puff of sevens. “Well, then,” Tartan beamed. “If it’s in our power to make the forums a better place for ourselves…” He raised a hand and clicked his fingers. Somewhere, several miles away, the TARDIS door opened. “Killjoy,” Lemon snorted. “I’m leaving my floodgates wide open for whale-sized bait to toy with. ...Shut up, Logfish, you insufferable idiot.” “Wait, what did he say?!” Tartan cried. “Lemme see! Lemme see!” Other Floodians and *snort* Offtopites looked skyward with varying degrees of concentration followed by relief, then boredom, then tentative eagerness before laughing heartily again. Many watched as the skies cleared, only to be once more repopulated with hopeless halfwits hammering their heads against the sky trench, their foreheads red with abuse and fury as they attempted to crack the impenetrable barrier. risay_117 rustled up some popcorn. “And these wars, they can’t be won,” ash55 smirked knowingly. “Does anyone know or care how they begun?” “Now then,” Pureey mused, “I understand we have a ….#garning. I mean #gaming. For gaming. Could you direct me, Hylebos? Or DeeJ?” “Any thread labelled #gaming,” DeeJ explained. Pureey turned the Wraith around… okay, there were go, 180 degrees ...scanning the crowds that had begun to gather out of the formless mass, now not actually quite so formless, really. Nearby, Aaron stood, holding a sign asking about any good T-rated scifi games, tagged underneath with #gaming, as well as spiffy talking to some folks about the best aliens of all time, and a large discussion was being hosted by a black and white figure in Emile’s armour from Reach, Death, talking about the most useless weapons you’ve played with. “It still is pretty formless, really,” Pureey remarked, making random gestures with his hands. Or rather, signifying randomness with his gestures. You know what I mean. All inside the Wraith so that only I could see. And now you lot too. “Agreed,” DTL sighed. “It would be good to have a way to see this all much more clearly, all at once… maybe… an ….Omni-Topic forum.” “You are in the All Topic Forum,” Achronos breathed, having finally recovered from throwing up a mother-blam!-ing nuke. “And a formless mess it is,” Space Beaver cyniced. “Then we need to make sense of it,” Plasma Eagle declared. “I know!” realised Adjective Animal. “We can build a tower, to keep watch!” Not really: there’s nobody called Adjective Animal. “How about we build a tower, to keep watch,” Dropship suggested, leaving Adjective Animal’s fictitious face looking discontented. “We can use my dropship business, Dropship Enterprises, which will make me [i]rich beyond[/i]- ...what I am now.” “Or we could hole up in Arcadia,” IngloriousWho suggested. “Depending on when we are, we might bump into Clara. A little too conveniently…” “Well, given that the Time War is happening outside the sky trench,” Butane replied. “I’m gonna say she’s… well, in the space barn, actually.” Inglorious was gone in the blink of an eye. “Well, if Bungie is working in the city, then I doubt Jerome will let us in,” randomrosso reasoned readily. “Then we shall tKE IT BY FORCE!” Leprechaun declared, raising a fist. “I mean take it BY FORCE! Hit caps instead of a.” “Or we could just let Dropship get on with that plan of his,” Verbatim suggested. “He’s on the phone.” “...Alright, so I’ll see you guys down Asylum tonight? Awesome. It’s gonna be -blam!-ing insane. See ya.” Dropship pressed the red phone on his screen or the red button on his phone or flipped it shut, I don’t know how his phone works, and turned back to everyone. “...What’s up?” There was an alien huff from amidst the crowd. Several people parted as a gold Elite Ranger from Reach strode through the mass. “If you’re going to piss off to be outside with people, then I’ll build the t-” “Woah, woah, Master Builder,” Achilles noticed. “You’ve been banned until November.” He snap- clicked his fingers, and the Forerunner wearing Elite armour, apparently, disappeared. “What about MasterBuilder?” asked ROBERTO jh. “Yeah,” Inglorious added, voice muffled between Jenna-Louise Coleman’s breasts. “He’s an oldfoman. Tarty only goes for oldfomans.” Foman sighed. “...Why are you yelling from all the way back there anyway?” “Because Tartan just looked at the Flood for someone who actually says oldfoman, and there I was. Now, leave me be, I have Clara to be coitusing.” “We’ll leave you be if you stop calling out,” Funkbrotha10 returned. There was no response. “Well, there we go.” Tartan rolled his eyes. “Am I the only one who thinks old/newfoman is stupid and just wants to get old/newsnowman trending instead?” “DO YOU WANNA BUILD A SNOWMAN?! Okay, back to Clara.” “So, hwta was all the fuss about?” Dropship asked. “I mean, what was all the fuss about?” “You,” Hatima replied. “I guess you’re not gonna build the tower after all.” Dropship frowned. “Why wouldn’t I?” “Maybe because it’s time for IGN’s beta stream,” Tartan announced. “In two minutes. Cut! We’ll be back later, everyone.”

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        • Quality puns there man. Forgot you were still working on this when you first posted it.

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          • Assemble!

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          • Editado por Tartan 118: 7/11/2014 11:37:51 AM
            (Part 3) “What time we expecting him back?” DTL asked, checking his watch. “Any time now,” irishfreak replied. “Althoooooouuuugh….” Camm sighed, rolling dem eyes. “What?” “Well, the alpha was extended by like a day. So he’s probably still playing it. Getting his fill.” Spawn blinked. “Remind us why [i]you’re [/i]not playing it.” “There’s one Strike, one story mission, some freeroaming, the Tower and one game mode on two maps,” irish explained. “I’ve been playing it solidly since it was available, god knows how I’m still coherent let alone alive, but yeah. I’ve had my fill.” “Okay, I made that bit up.” The Flood turned and gazed in awe: the wait for the beta had begun. “No. Hey. I’m over here.” Oh yeah, and Tartan was back from playing the alpha all weekend, but like 18 people cared. “Lies.” Okay, 8. “I’m sorry, are you laying the smack on yourself right now?” Bitch, I might be. “Talk about a circlejerk. Or just plain selfjerk. Jerk. Wank.” Gatsby looked up: no-one had noticed. One of his feet breathed in the summer heat. “So…” Dropship began, attempting to mask his envy. “How was the alpha?” “Couldn’t have checked out the multitude of threads everyone else made about it, then?” Tartan asked dubiously. “Sorry for trying to make conversation.” “Something I’ve said to Camm, numerous times. And yeah, you will be sorry, when SPLOOSH. Oh my gods. It was so awesome. Like, the gameplay felt as familiar and fun and cool as Halo, yet different enough to be interesting and exciting and new. I honestly feel like this could be the big new franchise Bungie wants it to be, another enormous gaming platform, a cultural entity on which to build endless hours of fun and countless amazing friendships all over again. It felt that good. The gunplay is slick and tight and the enemies are-” “Who tuned out when he said, ‘Oh my gods’?” Brad Pitt asked, Johnson grimacing at the screen with exhaustion. “What a douche.” “ohwaityoureserious.gif” Lemon countered. “If he’s going to take any deity’s name in vain, I’m glad it’s some pagan gods,” Avy added. “Even if he doesn’t really believe in them and is just making fun of Christians, it’s better than misusing the Lord’s Name.” “M’aiq understands that Tartan is writing this,” M’aiq the Liar contributed. “But M’aiq hopes Tartan doesn’t make the rest of this about himself.” “Wait, wait,” HunnedJono realised like the glistening H2 logo he is, connecting the dots and then colouring in the rest of his ...colouring book. “Are you Teh Puma?” “Maybe,” M’aiq the Liar lied. I… don’t know if saying ‘maybe’ could ever be a lie. It’s like a Schroedinger paradox. Or something. “-and though my hand cannon was powerful, the rate of fire was slightly sluggish compared to this auto rifle I found with an equally awesome damage yield,” Tartan ploughed on. “Which gives me an idea for a parody I might brew up for the game. So, there’s the Gardeners-” “Whale then,” Space Whale bellowed. “Are we just whalting for the blueta now or is something else harpooning? What was the Bungie Day seiprise?” Suddenly, power cut. Just kidding, it was Hylebos! No, I’m not saying Hylebos is like a power cut. I’m writing this before Bungie Day, so I can’t- never mind. “Hello, my marine friend,” he began, a smile on his Spiker-barrel face and a ‘Mentor’ badge gleaming on his barrel chest. “The Bungie Day treats will arrive shortly. Head over to bungie.net now to see if they’re on the front page yet. The big news this year is that… nah, I won’t spoil the surprise. :)” “Like you could,” Dropship snorted. “Actually, Mentors are given early access to… no, just kidding.” “Ninjas got early alpha access,” Wolva Wonka countered. “But I’m not a Ninja,” Hylebos pointed out. “Now, let’s add some colour in this place, shall we? Ah yes...” He raised a hand to the sky. Darkness clouded the impenetrable white, gathering towards where Hylebos curled a claw. Because of like clawing your hand with power. Clenching it, but not into a closed fist. Lightning leapt between storm clouds, thunder roaring in the sky. The clouds grew denser and denser, the mass growing ever larger until it swallow the rest of the white above. Then, they dispersed. A flawless blue sky emerged from the darkness, streaked with white contrails high above, arcing over an enormous orange dessert “Orange jelly?” Dropship asked, wibbling. Lemon loured. “Not lemon. Damnit.” I mean an orange desert, a soft breeze whipping up fingers of sand, crumbling rocks and dry plants dotting the landscape, choking on the dust. “a baren landscape, desolate and endless,” BlueSkyfish concluded. “thats what bgunie.net became after that update?? Come on tarrrrtan, you can descrieb bettur” Damnit, Skyfish, there’s not much to say about the place. And what are you even doing here? When was the last time you were on Bnet? Get back to the weeaboo, anime, Dark Souls and Japanese shit only site with Pyro and Teapot and Jeffers and Stu. Anyone else on Bnet remember Pyroshark anymore? “Well, it’s not entirely barren,” IngloriousWho remarked, looking around as the wind descriptively whipped everyone’s hair and Recon’s ...glasses. “Look over there.” He pointed to an enormous, gleaming, bronzed metropolis in the distance, dozens of towers soaring skyward, encased in a gargantuan glass globe. I have to say, it looked a lot like a pipe organ. “Holy TARDIS of Gallifrey!” Tartan exclaimed, holding that delicious hair of his. “TARDIS…” Engrapadora realised. “...Are we on some planet from Doctor Who?” “Not just some planet,” Chronarch explained. “[i]The [/i]home planet of the Time Lords. Question is, why does Bnet look like a place from a British scifi TV series?” “Because,” Hylebos began, floating above like a Wizard from the Moon, “look! ….Hold on.” One the side of the barrel of the Spiker, as is his avatar, and once I’m done with all this I’ll go back and make everyone else look like their avatar, a device popped out; a very tiny projector, uh, projected a hologram that everyone frowned at until they realised it was a mirror image of Bnext. “And… uh, it’s really hard for me to do this as a Spiker without arms… thank you, Tartan. And unmute, unmute, unmute… ad infinitum… there!” The projection disappeared and he span around, pointing to the sky. “Now do you see them?” “Well, we could all see them,” Roose Bolton said, grimming like a hardass Northern bastard. Unlike Ramsay, who is an actual Northern bastard and therefore didn’t need the word ‘like’. “but look!” Gojira pointed with a giant, scaly finger the size of a bus and my penis. “ARCADIA!” “No, but this is why Bnet looks like Gallifrey,” Hylebos said. “The Thyme War- I mean, the Flame Wars.” Many members shook their heads in dismay, others gasping with terror as they realised what they were seeing: the enormous backside of a black woman bouncing up and down against the sky, rubbing a fire against the sky trenches around the planet. Behind her, lounging on an armchair, a tremendous, kinda chubby boy with dark hair in a crew cut, lazily tossing crumpled green notes at her, a lit joint held between his lips, and a TV beside him, Xbox 360 controller in his hand as he played Babby’s First RTS. On the other side of the horizon, another hundred clones of the boy stormed the sky trench, burning it with their blunts and commanding hordes of brightly-monochromed Halo characters, all overwatched by a shadowy figure, the crimson fires of war burning behind him as his eyes blazed a menacing red. Probably because of all the weed the Camnator alts were smoking.

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            • The cliffs they hang.

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            • 2
              This is a thing of -blam!-ing beauty. Happy bungie day, my friend.

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            • [quote] detonated the thing prematurely, much like a Floodian inside a woman [/quote] I lost it here.

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            • Meow.

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            • [i] [/i]

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            • 10/10 Made me laugh madly.

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            • [quote]“No, Challenger X being a dick about lonepaul again.” [/quote]LOL

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            • 10/10 lol'd

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            • Tarty made a thread? [i]My god. [/i]

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            • Beautiful. Is this a tertiary Floodian fiction renaissance?

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              • Seems to be progressing nicely, hope to see more soon.

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              • Brilliant.

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              • [quote]Let me check my PMs. Aaaaaaaand all we’ve talked about is Game of Thrones.[/quote]I could swear we've exchanged more than 4 PMs, WTF?

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                • 1
                  [quote]“Canon cannons ready,” Lord of Admirals and Chronarch added.[/quote] BAHAHAHAHAHAH

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                • A ninja is never late Floodo Baggins. Nor is he early, he bans precisely when he means to.

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                • Holy -blam!- this is fantastic, you should write books

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                  • [quote]Look, it’s FloppyClit in my hilariously inaccurate opinion thread! Try you?[/quote] LOL, you mentioned my alt XD This is brilliant, Tartar sauce

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