I understand that a lot of you are not Christians and may be wondering what the the -blam!- is going on and how it all started... well let me explain.      Thousands of years ago, after god killed off the dinosaurs due to a dispute with his neighbor. There was a carpenter named Joe ("Joey the Pedo" to his mates). Joe had just found out he had gotten a 13-14 year old girl (Mary) pregnant. To avoid jail time and much ribbing from his mates, the pair agreed they would never tell and insisted Mary had conceived by pure magic alone. Being as Google hadn't been invented yet and most doctors thought dancing was the most effective way to cure people, no one could prove them wrong. However, Mary's father had heard the commotion a few weeks before and banished them from his house.      Months passed and due to Jerusalem's NHS suffering a diabolical bed shortage, Mary had to give birth in a stable. Luckily, regardless of them having a complete disregard for a sterile environment, no midwife and no equipment... Mary gave birth to a perfectly healthy baby on the shitstained hay. They named him Jesús after the great great great great great great grandfather of Jesús Martinez, the mixed martial artists (who was born on December 26th... but that's another story).      It was at this point a white bearded man driving the Coca-Cola truck pulled up outside and dropped off 3 homeless men on camels. They were all pretty high on crystal meth and claimed to be kings from afar who had been following a star (don't judge... we've all been there). They proceeded to empty their pockets of gifts before carrying on with their quest to Narnia.     Years went by... Jesús had mastered wizardry and now had a pretty good career as a street magician where he would pull rabbits out of hats and various other "David Blaine" style stunts. On the 14th of February  24BCE, Jesús was performing for King Valentine on his beautiful wife's birthday. Due to excessive wizardry, one of the magic rabbits suffered a severe mutation and killed the king's wife before disappearing. The king was furious and ordered the immediate death of Jesús and honored his Mrs by naming the day after her.     Jesús was nailed to a cross until presumed dead before being thrown into a cave for a laugh. Little did they know, Jesús's "David Blaine" style trickery was at the top of its game, and he wasn't dead at all. Jesús then pulled a magic rabbit out of so it could burrow them to safety. Unfortunately it was the same evil rabbit that killed the queen. The rabbit ate Jesús and thus obsorbed his magical powers. To this day, every year on Jesús' death, the rabbit roams the earth shitting chocolate eggs in people's gardens in commemoration of killing his creator. TL;DR You should have read it